Empty

I think I digest things too slowly. Josh and I eat the same stuff but it sure does come out different! I eat a lot of fiber too...apparently it's the souble kind, such as beans, and oats. I need bran instead, non soluble. It hurts.

Snowed last week, and it's still here, on the ground. Not a lot, just enough. Went to cousin's wedding this weekend and hung out with Alan & Mike & gummy bears. Mini gummy bears that we had a photoshoot with, put them in alcohol, they fizzed. Family time was nice, wedding was nice. Got along with everyone, YES! OH and I gamgled, and won 26 bucks on the bonus round, lost it tho...later, lol.

Thanksgiving plans are evolving, but I am trying not to get too excited just yet. I am making the list of foods tho, and I gotta go shopping for foods soon. YAY FOODS!

Snowed October 27th, I just like to keep it documented for future reference.

Oooo that's dirty! Well I better not show you where the lemonade is made, Ooo sweet lemonade yea sweet lemonade! SHUT UP WOMAN GET ON MY HORSE!

Last night I was feeling rather sad about my unbirthday party plans. I decided to punish myself since I am unsocial and told my boss I would not only work on my BD but also the weekend since I didn't have plans. At least that way I would get extra money. Then it wouldn't even feel like a birthday at all.

When I woke up this morning Josh informed me that I can't work because we are having friends over. This is news to me. I guess Tammy has a car she can use to come up here, which is nice. But then I started thinking maybe she is coming cus Josh is guilting her into coming? But I asked him and he said it was her idea, and that she felt bad for inviting herself up again.

Now I have to tell my boss I can't work that weekend. I feel much better now. I haven't seen Tammy and Cj in a long time...and I feel so lonely. Josh has been working like everyday lately so it's just been me home alone on days I don't work. Which my neighbors think I never work, everytime Gary comes over with Josh for a "break" he is shocked to see me home. I promise I work, it's just not often. Only 4 days a week and usually less than 6 hours. Maybe he just doesn't like me being home.

Josh is now a volunteer fire fighter and I am trying to get into the metro volunteer program. He has to show up to 50% of meetings/events. It's crazy training. As for me I would just control traffic on snowy days and such....hand out stuff....make people use snow chains. I am doing it to try and be more social.

No plans for the birthday. Most likely I will be alone with the husband, which will be nice I suppose. I was hoping for more of a social evening with foods and wine...but I have no friends to be social with. Usually Tammy and Cj come up but they have car issues...and well that's all my friend options, lol. Well there is Alan, but he is busy so I'll have to see him later. I am not old enough yet to just pretend like my birthday doesn't exist. I need friends, maybe I will just visit the neighbors for my special day. I like them, they are nice, and like to drink and such.

I swear I HAVE to be the most unsocial person ever.

Makes for wonderful weightloss! I got sick eating who knows what and I basically went to the bathroom all night a couple nights ago. I had nothing left in me and was pretty skinny by morning. Yesterday I had less than 600 calories due to sickness...in the morning I wasn't even hungry but managed to get 100 calories of all natural oatmeal down, at work I don't get a lunch, and diner I could barely get one piece of chicken down. That was my lovely day of anti foods. Anyways, I feel better now...so I am sure I will put all the water weight right back on. I've been doing pilates every morning now, but my neck hurts really bad.

For my birthday can you get me a scale? I nice digital one? So I can obsess more? Thank you!

I worked out for the first time in over 1 and a half yrs! Maybe 2 yrs. My arms are dead, and so are my legs. I don't why I did this before going to work....I'm gonna die! I used to do 3 sets at a time back when I did it, and it was no problem. Today I hardly could keep my feet off the ground! Now I understand why exercise is important...don't count on me to save you if anything happens cus I am unfit. I'm gonna try and work out at least once a week, I am lazy.

The husband is sleeping because I took a nap around 5-ish and he went to sleep too...only he kept sleeping. So I am bored and feel really lonely. I always get this way when he isn't around. It's like I don't know who I am without him. He basically is my only friend I see or ever talk to.

We bought wood today, woohoo 700 bucks=warm for winter. We actually didn't have to put it on the credit card either, just took some moneys outa savings. Tomorrow Josh is going in the woods to get more fire wood with a friend. I will be here yet again, alone. I will get some homework done that way.

I've been looking at old photos and dang was I a skinny lil' one. I was like "hey those are the jeans that no longer go above my thighs". I know I want to lose weight before winter so I actually have pants but I am not that serious about it I guess. Normally I am very strict when it comes to being a normal healthy weight. I should buy a scale, I've never owned one before...but maybe it will motivate me. I mean I didn't eat a lot today...just had cereal one friend chicken, two rolls and an avacado, OH and slimfast. Ehhh, normally instead of slimfast for dessert I have pie and/or ice cream. BAD ME! Hehe.

For my BD Josh is getting me a back up drive to store all my photos and I am pretty exicted about that since I constantly fear losing them. I just hope by then we have some moneys...

Fall is still my favorite season even if means snow will be here soon. Everything is red in my yard and it smells sooo nice. Lets not forget how pretty the breezes are too. It's freezing though, up here anyways. It doesn't seem to get past 62 in my house, and outside it's in the 50s. I know, right? CRAZY!

I will be working on my Birthday this yr so I can have the weekend off :) and also I work on Halloween in hopes to dress up a lil'

I also think I will carve a tooth in the pumpkin this yr! YAY GO TEETH! OH and I am going to make a pumpkin pie by scratch of course! Yummy pumpkin....I have so many recipes for fall <3

I couldn't fit into not even ONE pair of pants that I own. Not even one...so what am I supposed to do for winter? Buy a shit load of larger pants? Or just lose about 10 lbs? Eeeek I am thinking lose the weight since we are poor. I think I gained weight from eating pie and ice cream every single night for the past 2 months? Yea I think that might be it...lol. It's so hard to diet though cus I feel like I am not living a fulfilled happy life if I deprive myself of yummy foods. And I don't like to exercise...I think it's easier to count and limit calories than to exercise. Meh.

Reasons why we are poor:

$1300.00 for Josh's cavaties
$1300.00 approx. for my cavaties
$700.00 for 2 cords of wood this winter
$500.00 ish for new tires before winter on my car
$400.00 to cancel HughesNet cus they are evil
$600.00 for Josh's forest conservation classes
$700.00 for my laser course I just took...

And many many more things we just spent money on, like my new classes for my BSDH degree.

I'm gonna miss this lil' guy!

I am crocheting a pear, well actually it's almost done, just needs a stem. It's all asian. I always do this, I make items for people and get super attached and want to keep them. All I can do is take photos though...and smell it until that day comes that we must part. Wow. Once you put a face on the lil' creature it's hard to say bye.

I've been having problems with my eyes. They are always red from when I wake up to go to sleep...And they feel heavy and intense pressure on them. So I went to my FAV Dr. Kim and he says it's from strain. He did all these tests and what not. After work I cannot be on the computer for any extended periods of time. Only on my days off...and when I crochet/read/sew/play piano I need to take off my glasses. I'm glad it's nothing serious. Oh and them anti red eye drops are bad for eyes, so no more of them!

We are trying to plan a vacation to Lake Tahoe since Yosemite is all booked up, as usual. I am pretty excited...we call on Monday to book our rooms, we will be gone for about 4 nights. It will be a nice 8 hr drive or so...we will need road trip games to play or something lol.

Today I feel better, yesterday I had another crazy depression episode, where I felt alone and had no friends. Which is somewhat true. And of course I upset Josh who pretty much is the only friend I have to talk to which lead me to suicidal thoughts, but I couldn't write about them cus Dr. say NO COMPUTER. Good news is I am better today....much better actually. I know I am not alone cus I have my cats (who need me) and the husband. Umkay!

[EDIT]

Oh and I didn't even need drugs to cheer me up, just Josh. I did however but A LOT of chocolate candy yesterday...which kinda adds to depression since I am a fat ass lately.

Last night while over at the neighbors house, I had the urge to smoke a cigarette. Granted, I was drunk off my ass and my judgement wasn't the greatest...but it was hard to hold back the urge. I just wanted to know what it tasted like or something. I kept reminding myself of all the cons and seemingly no pros. Well, maybe losing weight is one pro, hahaha.

I didn't go to the pool party deal, I'm too self concious. The husband isn't feeling good either, his joints are swollen again. We need insurance. Gr.

I don't like myself right now. I feel crazy fat and was invited to a pool party deal. I don't want to go cus I don't have a one piece bath suit yet...I am way too self concious.

I paid all the bills today, and while I have money for that badass bathing suit...I still have credit cards and a $1500.00 laser course to pay for in Aug/Oct. I already spent money on dishes, that's all I can justify spending money on.

I'm tired...and today kinda sucked. I broke Josh's razor, and bought him a new one. He has been very upset the past couple weeks. I think it's mainly because he is jobless still, and gets depressed sitting at home all day. Anyways it has put some strain on our relationship. We are fine, it's just hard to make him happy. I make cookies, and it only helps temporarily. Today at work I saw 8 patients in 6 hrs...which made my Doctor BANK! I also got paid twice this week...since I have two jobs, and I bought things to make me happy. Like new dishes! Black and white, and now we have a complete matching set, well two actually. Tehe!

OH and today at work I had to clean like 3-4 kids and I must say... I REALLY don't like kids! I think something is wrong in my head. Like they kept talking over and over again and everyone was ok with it, but me. Gave me a headache. I wanted to yell "SHUT UP!". So yea, still leaning towards NO on the children issue. Which makes Josh happy, cus he really doesn't want the babies. That's all.

It's like 100 bucks...and I never swim...but I hate two pieces, my ass always falls out, along with other things...

I feel like I'm getting fat, again. Maybe it's a good thing I have body dismorphia, keeps me in check. Please no slamming me, husband says ppl don't want to hear this. Oh well, it's how I feel.

Maybe it's been all the alcohol lately, although I have been drinking low cal beer, haha.

I really would like to know what it would be like to be someone else. I like me, but am curiuos.

Tammy and Cj are coming over tommorrow, and we are gonna have a good time. Foods and drinks...and sleep and walks in the mountain.

I've wanted this necklace for a long time now. I think my husband is gonna get it for me on my BD.

I got a new phone and a new number! I can now text faster with a full keyboard but gotta get used to the whole touch screen thing. Only 50 bucks for 2 new LG Vus!

Yes, my marriage is boring, or so it seems. We never go out to eat, like ever. Well, unless you count Inn-N-Out, or Del Taco. When we first met we used to go out to eat all the time, we would dress up all fancy and be romantic. For our first year anniversary we just stayed at home and had steak....like we normally do on a day to day/week to week basis. I really wanted to go out and dress up like we used to but he claims it costs too much. I mean, I guess 30-50 bucks total for a meal is way more than Inn-N-Out but I wanted to go just to get out of the house and be together, something different. Well, tonight we tried to go out...and we never really did. He claims I was taking too long to get ready or something. Really he just is never thrilled to spend money on going out to eat. He will later complain about how much we spent rather than "wow that was a nice evening". I have been trying to plan something special for our 2 yr anniversary like Penn & Teller tickets, or eating some place fancy....but he doesn't seem to care, or want to do anything. His idea of a nice evening is sitting at home, eating home cooked meal. I love eating at home but sometimes it's nice to do something different for a change.

I sure hope this isn't how the rest of my marriage is going to be....

[EDIT]

I was wrong, I looked up our last anniversary and we actually went to the winery and had a nice evening....I guess my memory is jacked. And he got me a lil' piano which was quite romantic...so I feel very retarded, plz no one comment!

[EDIT] [EDIT]

So we ended up going out to eat at a fancy place up here on the mountain, very nice food and views. I feel like a real bitch now...anyhow, I am no longer disappointed, yea.